The thing about haiku is that sometimes you have a lot of things to say and while picking your words seems like the optimal thing to do, the best way to sort out your emotions and the true gist of the situation, sometimes you just want to ramble on and rant and figure things out as you type along.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll make a separate category for these ramblings so as to allow me to skip past all of this rambling for whenever I finally put together a book with all of my poetry. Future planning for the win! And eventually I’ll dig up old essays from the past and import them in here for archival purposes. Sometimes I enjoy rereading what I’ve written from the past. Actually, I always do.
I guess it is a sign of narcissism but I do like seeing just how far I’ve come and reading the random things I used to be frustrated about. It’s kind of like how when you are driving in a car with the windows down, music blaring, and you are talking aloud to yourself, trying to figure out the universe. It’s like that.
So if the thought of reading through lots of endless rambling is appalling to you, I understand. Youtube is preferable, I’m sure. But this blog is for me. So it’ll be full of whatever I need at the moment. And right now I need to ramble.
I am at the center of a large change in my life. New places, new job, new people. Obviously I still have contact with all my old network, my family, those who care and support me. But things are obviously different when you can’t entice them to come over by ordering pizza and popping some wine because the road trip is just too much. So it is time for me to push past my introvert tendencies and build some solid friendships, the likes of which can sustain me through the many trials that life will be throwing my direction.
So far I am very blessed in that the people I have met are all friendly and supportive. But it is something quite different when you finally meet someone you could call your tribe. Someone that you can be yourself completely with, no filter. Someone to ask advice or call late in the night and cry over the impossibility of the universe and why nail polish is so fickle, so quick to abandon a person.
I’m sure that I will make those friendships given time, but I think I’ll have to be more assertive and get them going sooner rather than just being so passive about it. I want a strong community again. I grew so used to it and it is amazing the positive impact those people can have on your life when everything starts to feel impossible, like the waves are too high and keep crashing down upon your shoulders.
Hiding in a book or a shower is not the best way to deal with problems. Interacting with people is. That connection is critical. Even if they don’t have any advice or anything, talking about things really helps to shift some of the burden and gives the brain a chance to come up with alternate ways of thinking, breaking things down.
So I need to do that. Exercise and make new friends. And strengthen the relationships I already have here.
Also, I’m going to get rid of the feelings tags. That seems, rather pointless. Fuck that. The emphasis is on the memories it brings up for me, not so much feelings that any random reader might be able to notice.
And I need to find a better theme. This one wastes so much space and seems so… old. Parchment. I’d redesign one but I am feeling quite lazy. Who knows. I may do that too.